I passed around the block again today after dropping-off the little one at school, after I watched him walk over to where the morning line forms, place his backpack on the ground and then walk-wander out onto the playground obviously looking for someone to approach and greet for the day, offer something some comment or something and then begin his day with companionship or something…and there was nobody nearby so he ran further out into the playground with head and eyes up and still searching for a familiar face that would be welcoming of him and his morning presence…and he couldn’t find one…as he looked around and peered back at me across the way…looking for someone and finding none and looking at me or in my direction again…and there were no kids by me…and he walked about slowly, heading back to the line-up area and probably glad that the bell rang telling everyone to come in from the yard and get in their places on the concrete and line…and was it a relief? I don’t know. He’s alone inside himself and around others sometimes and a lot of times. It resonates with me, somehow. He was alone amidst dozens and more of kids, his peers, classmates, age-mates and then. I don’t know if he was lonely, though. I don’t know if he’ll be lonely for the three hours that he’s there today, as it’s early-release day…that thing that comes once a month and rescues him from the classroom and whatnot of being at school and around and among those that he doesn’t really relate to, somehow….he sees their faces but doesn’t entirely know what their expressions mean…he responds to their anecdotes by telling something of his own that may or may not have anything to do with what they were talking about…I have a helicopter. He’s in his gray-green hooded and furred parka with his Transformer’s backpack and his pocketed blue jeans and green and black Sketchers tennies that used to light-up when he walked or stamped his feet and his gray eyes search the bricks on the side of the school wall and I see his hooded self turn and talk to his teacher who is bending attentively to listen to him as she continues to look around, not like his teacher last year who would fix her eyes on and attend to only him or whomever when she was listening and talking to him or whomever, and I wondered what it meant this morning, did he start the exchange or did she? Is he telling her about “wouldn’t it be cool to find the sail-shaped spine bone thing from the back of a stegosaurus?” or something like that, or is it that today really is early-release so it’s ok that he doesn’t have a lunch today unlike last Thursday when I didn’t pack him one because the calendar from his teacher wrongly identified last Thursday as early-release and she had to call me on my cell as I was watching the time as I wandered through the book store so I could go get him and rescue him from the confines and duty of school when he really wanted to be home on his own computer or talking to his dog or asking for more taquitos and “Can I please watch Tom and Jerry and the Magic Ring because that’s what I always do when I’m eating taquitos.” He turned and looked for me again today as he was making that last round of a corner and into the school…and waved. He does that sometimes…not always…and I never know when he’s going to do it, so I always stay and watch until he’s inside and beyond my sight, or beyond where he can see me, just in case. It would be sad if he turned to wave goodbye and I wasn’t there. What would he think?
It feels sad, to read this, and know just exactly what you are saying. As I read I can see the look on his face, his smile or excitement, hear his voice as he is talking to his teacher. He is so full of amazement and wonder, it feels sad that the world is so hard for him to be in.
January 31, 2010 at 8:47 pm
I’m right there with you, Kelly…. Thank you for visiting the blog and leaving me a note in your passing. 🙂
February 1, 2010 at 6:01 am
January 31, 2010 at 9:08 pm
Thank you, Miss Renae
February 1, 2010 at 6:02 am
what a wonderful father you are. he is so lucky to have you. i thank you for seeing the world through his eyes, and for standing there in case he waves . . . oh, the tears.
February 1, 2010 at 9:38 pm
You are most welcome, and thank you for your precious words, Lori Kim.
February 3, 2010 at 11:51 am
I wish every father lived with that deep sense of “I always want to be there, just in case, and if you dont turn and wave a thousand times, on the thousand and first time, I will be there, just in case”. The heart of a father, its a moving and wonderful thing.
thank you again
February 2, 2010 at 8:10 pm
You are correct, Byron, the heart of a father can be a moving and wonderful thing. You are welcome, again. And thank you for your words, my friend.
February 3, 2010 at 11:50 am
February 22, 2010 at 10:39 am
Thank you so much!
February 22, 2010 at 1:15 pm