The Unsent Letter

I wanted you to know that I love you.

I wanted you to know that I still love you.

I wanted you to know that, even with everything that has happened between us, and even not between us, but between those others who we loved or love, that I still love you.

I wanted you to know that there is a piece of my life that is missing because you aren’t a part of it like you used to be.

I wanted you to know that even when my words have been infrequent or nonexistent, my heart still speaks; it still loves you and misses you.

I wanted you to know that even when you’re gone, I will still love you.

I wanted you to know that I will still love you when I’m gone, whenever and however that might happen, or whatever that might mean.

I wanted you to know that even though you’re gone, I still love you.

I wanted you to know that I haven’t taken you for granted.

I wanted you to know that I haven’t been uninterested in you and your life just because I haven’t asked you questions about you and your life…I was giving you space.

I wanted you to know that the others still ask about you, still think about you, still wonder about you.

I wanted you to know that it’s not too late.

I wanted you to know that I’m sorry that I wasn’t what you needed me to be when you needed me to be different than I was.

I wanted you to know that I’m sorry I didn’t grow or change fast enough to make the difference that you needed me to make.

I wanted you to know that I was there when you thought I wasn’t, but I didn’t know how to make myself more known to you.

I wanted you to know that my anger was really sadness…or shame, but I didn’t know how to express it as such.

I wanted you to know that when I seemed to be distant and unconcerned, I was really hiding inside myself because I was hurting, too.

I wanted you to know that I never meant to hurt you…even though it appears that I didn’t try hard enough in meaning to not hurt you.

I wanted you to know that there were times that I was selfish and wasn’t thinking about you and others, and I’m sorry for being that way.

I wanted you to know that I know the past cannot be undone and that some things cannot be fixed.

I wanted you to know that I’m sorry that I hurt you when I did what I did.

I wanted you to know that I’m sorry that I hurt you when I said what I said and wrote what I wrote.

I wanted you to know that I will understand if you can’t forgive me, if you don’t forgive me, if you won’t forgive me.

I wanted you to know that I still love you.

I wanted you to know that what you did to the others hurts me, too, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I wanted you to know that regardless of the decisions you made yesterday, or last week, or last month, or last year, I still love you.

I wanted you to know that regardless of the decisions you make right now, or tomorrow, I will still love you.

I wanted you to know that I’m sorry I didn’t protect you when I should have.

I wanted you to know that I’m sorry I didn’t speak-up for you when I should have.

I wanted you to know that I don’t expect you to be like everyone else; I love you for who you are.

I wanted you to know that I don’t like the distance that exists between us, the obstacles of time and place and not-talking and isolation that have grown like fences and rivers and mountains and dotted lines on maps…like boundaries that split and divide us.

I wanted you to know that I love you, still.

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10 responses

  1. That’s beautiful. I could hear myself in that. My dad in that. My friends in that. And you in that. Takes a lot to say those words, especially as a man.

    May 6, 2010 at 10:08 am

  2. Renae

    Your words are beautiful and apply to so many different situations & people in my life. I’m printing this out and saving it. Tears…

    May 10, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    • Your tender heart…thank you, Renae.

      May 10, 2010 at 8:23 pm

  3. lydia

    Hi Scott,

    Lori sent me your blog so I could read about the cottonwood tree, which I loved. I kept reading and this beautiful piece touched me in a very deep way. Keep writing Scott. You have a beautifully heartfelt way with words. Lydia

    May 27, 2010 at 6:52 am

    • What a treasure to find you here this morning, Miss Lydia! Thank you for visiting…and thank you, too, for your sweet and encouraging words. 🙂

      May 27, 2010 at 7:22 am

  4. Becky

    This is beautiful…

    June 13, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    • Thank you, Becky. 🙂

      June 13, 2010 at 3:52 pm

  5. Thank you for sharing this. I feel that sometimes, even though there is longing… or a desire to hold on… the tie has been broken and there’s no going back. And then, no matter how great the love, it’s time for both to go on with their lives. Saying, ‘I’m sorry’ can help sometimes, as can recognizing our mistakes… but not always.

    July 27, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    • You’re welcome for sharing, Shimon…and I thank you for your words, as well…they are a fitting complement to the content and thoughts conveyed in the post. We find all of this, again, within your earlier comment about life and how we waver between heartbreak and joy. I appreciate you being here, Shimon….

      July 29, 2013 at 5:48 pm

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